So what exactly happened “last night”?

The first season episode, Captain Dobey, You’re Dead, opens with an adorably endearing scene of our heroes conversing in the squad room about some mysterious something that happened the night before, in which Hutch passive-aggressively denies that he’s mad at Starsky about “last night” while making it clear to all and sundry that he is most assuredly mad.

Starsky, at first amused as he humors his irascible partner, grasps his phallic symbol holstered gun in his left hand and winks sexily at him. Then, in this scene and others throughout the ep, Hutch proceeds to belittle Starsky’s left-handedness, while Starsky becomes increasingly chagrined and viewers are left wondering what could possibly have happened “last night” to cause Hutch to launch into his latest diatribe.

Blogger Mitochondriart, in a brilliant bit of deduction, surmises that “left-handedness” is code for “queer,” and I am totally down with that. Which makes it even more imperative that we get to the bottom of what actually happened.

After months of trying and failing to come up with a plausible explanation for what happened “last night,” which included me googling terms such as “left-handed sex swings,” I think I’ve finally got it:

In the squad room, Hutch doesn’t even try to hide his irritation towards Starsky, even though Starsky, who regards the entire thing as endearingly hilarious, helpfully tries to make light of last night’s embarrassing situation while fondling his gun and winking at his partner. But Hutch, still stewing over what happened, and quietly shooting daggers at Starsky with his eyes, hands Starsky a book he’s bought for him, an instructive tome entitled “Madame Olga’s Self-Help Program to Become Right-Handed.” He then proceeds to repeatedly belittle Starsky’s left-handedness throughout the day.

You see, happy-go-lucky Starsky, or more specifically, his left hand, is the object of Hutch’s scorn on this bright and cheerful morning. He, or rather, the hand, had been the source of Hutch’s great discomfiture the night before, and passive-aggressive Hutch isn’t going to let him forget it.

The previous night, whilst sitting together on Starsky’s sofa watching the game on TV, Starsky had gotten a little too excited when his favored team scored a touchdown, raising his hands and shouting in triumph while temporarily forgetting the drippy slice of pizza he held in his left hand.

This sudden movement resulted in a hot, pulsating blob of greasy cheese unceremoniously oozing off Starsky’s slice and landing with a splat on Hutch’s right thigh as Hutch, momentarily startled by the unfamiliar sensation, yelled out “Fuck!”

Then Starsky, in his fevered haste to clean up the mess he’d made on Hutch’s favorite pants, and desperately trying to diminish his partner’s rising ire, quickly scrambled to scoop up the offending cheese, his left hand accidentally and repeatedly brushing against Hutch’s crotch, bringing about the immediate engorgement of Hutch’s member which had previously lain lifeless and lax beneath the pants.

This sudden rigidity was not lost on Starsky, who proceeded to laugh uncontrollably at the rapidly escalating situation, as Starsky’s team proceeded to score a field goal while the fans erupted in exuberant cheers.

Needless to say, Hutch, his sweaty, red face quickly draining of color, was not amused.

And there you have it, folks, a scene that has confounded viewers for 45 years, finally explained.